The Tequila Party and Taxes

Per a survey 64% of Tea Partiers believe their taxes have increased under Obama even though taxes have actually gone down.  In that same survey the vast majority say they don't like Obama (no surprise), but they couldn't actually give a reason, as the #1 response given was, "I just don't like him."

Using facts like these the Tequila Party should be able to easily come up with a stand on taxes.

We don't like them.

For instance, the California state tax on alcohol is $3.30 per gallon, but only 46.6 cents on gasoline!  Where's the justice in that?   Here's a better one--in Sarah Palin's home state the gas tax is only 8 cents per gallon, but the liquor tax is $12.80!   It's easy to follow the logic:   Palin -> Alaska -> tequila tax -> Tea Party = they hate us!

That does it, we are never going to headquarter the Tequila Party in Alaska.  I don't care if it is dark and 40 below for six months of the year. We have to boycott Alaska, but first we need to figure out how to get some of their cheap gas down here.
  

So what kind of people are in the Tea Party?

You have to pigeon-hole everybody so why not Tea Partiers?   And what is the Tequila Party stance on these weirdos because everyone has to have a position related to everyone else?   Sounds like a lot of work.   More work even than making margaritas without a blender.

Stupid People

These are the ones showing the failing of the American educational system.   Like the ones that say the Obama health care plan will lead to government workers coming around to kill grandma rather than having to pay for her care.  You'd think Tea Partiers, with their wanting to cut social programs, would be in favor of this as getting rid of grandma would save us on Medicare and Social Security.

Tequila Party stance:  We like our grandmothers.  They make cookies.

Losers

They have to blame somebody for their lot in life.  It might as well be the Democrats!

Tequila Party stance:  We're thinking of blaming the New York Yankees for what's wrong with America.

The Good Ol' Days Crowd

For some reason there are people who think the 1950s were great.  (If you happen to be White, male, Christian, and enjoy inhaling cigarette smoke).

Tequila Party stance:  What kind of tequilas were available in America in the '50s?  Just Sauza and Cuervo probably.  No thanks!

Racists

With the KKK out of favor for some reason this subset of the Losers crowd has to go somewhere.

Tequila Party stance:  After a couple margaritas we don't like to race--we like to sit on the patio.

Angry People

Old, white people who just want to be pissed at everything and everyone.  They don't have a reason--they're just cranky.  Either because they've been sober too long (like Glenn Beck) or because they aren't getting any (not like Newt Gingrich).

Tequila Party stance:   If ever there was a group that needed a couple shots of quality reposado.  Okay, maybe more than a couple.  But I'm not wasting my Añejo on them.

The True Believers

They believe both the Bible and Constitution are black-and-white and should be interpreted how they see it.

Tequila Party stance:  It's either blue agave from Jalisco or it's not--totally black-and-white.

Actual Conservatives

They must wonder how the hell they got in with this bunch of crazies.

Tequila Party stance:  Are Actual Conservatives the guys who only drink blended margaritas with no salt?  I was afraid of that.
  
 

The Tequila Party ... and parties

Republicans and Democrats have conventions.  The Tea Party has rallies.   (I think a rally must be a convention without the millions in donations).   What should the Tequila Party have?    Well, that seems obvious.   Let's have a big ass party!   And until we can staff the phones to cold call for donations it's strictly BYOB.   And no cheap crap.  It must be 100% agave.

So, we need a site for the first Tequila Party party.  New Orleans and Vegas are probably at the top of the list with Detroit and Mobile at the bottom.

We'll have a great opening speech.  It'll be the "shot" heard 'round the world!

Here's one of the Tequila Party's avid supporters.  Well, he was a couple hours ago ...

The Tequila Party and Gay Marriage

The Tea Party, being the unhappy lot they are, want others to be unhappy, too.   One way to do this is by preventing people who love each other from getting married.  

Lets take a logical, less emotional look at this issue.

Has a gay person ever got in the way of you and your margarita?



Case closed.
  
  

Patron Tequila

Patrón is #1.  Patron is probably the brand that popularized tequila in the U.S.   But is this like giving Budweiser the credit for making beer the biggest alcoholic drink in the country?   Just like Bud isn't really beer (it's lagered rice) Patrón isn't considered real tequila by some.

Being the Tequila Party we need a stance on this, I guess.

Okay, Patrón definitely tastes better than Cuervo or Sauza, but so does cow dung.  Some will say Patrón is a diluted agave spirit with a minerally taste--just like Bud is a diluted beer.   But still, we are probably here because Patrón made tequila cool in America.   Just like Beringer made White Zinfandel cool.   Oops.

But they do have race cars.  And race car girls.  How cool is that?

So Patrón may not be real tequila any more than White Zin is real wine or Bud is real beer, but America loves them all!

All Hail Patrón Tequila!
  
  

Meet Rep. Michelle Bachmann, MN

Congresswoman Bachmann is usually labeled "the darling of the Tea Party" in news articles.  Here's some of her darling ideas.

Breast pumps
(Really!)
Bachmann says the reclassification of breast pumps as medical devices by the IRS is creating a "nanny state."  Bachmann reamed Michelle Obama because she's in favor and is just trying to get more gov't control.

Tequila Party stance:  We are in favor or anything having to do with breasts

The environment
The Tea Party stance on new environmental legislation can be summed up by a statement from Rep. Michelle Bachmann who told her fellow Minnesotans to be, ""armed and dangerous over this issue."   Nice.  Lets go shoot some environmentalists!  In fact, she said carbon dioxide is naturally occurring so cannot be dangerous (just like mercury, I suppose).

Tequila Party stance:  We are in favor of anything having to do with breathing

Evolution
It's an unproven theory according to Bachmann.

Tequila Party stance: We would like to know who the hell is responsible for the design of the human body. Who put the toxic waste line right through the recreation area?

Running for President
She most likely to make a run at the Republican nomination in 2012.  Does she have what it takes to win?  Probably not, but maybe veep? 

Wouldn't Romney and Bachmann be a pretty ticket:

Of course, we could always go with this:

The Tequila Party stance: Either combo is gorgeous, but perhaps the first one is less dangerous
 
 

Reducing the Role of Gov't

The main goal of the Tea Party is reducing the role of government in people's lives.    Who can't agree with that?

I'm assuming that means stuff like:

• Don't prosecute people for crimes that don't hurt someone else--dope smoking, prostitution, etc.
• Don't interfere with a woman's right to do what she wants with her pregnancy.
• Don't tell people they can't get married just because they're the same sex.
• Don't tell me what religion, if any, is right.
• The gov't shouldn't kill it's citizens, like capital punishment.
• Gov't representatives shouldn't be able to tell a religious organization where they can build a temple.

No?  That's not what they're about?   I guess I'm confused on this whole reducing gov't thing.

If we can't figure out the Tea Party's actual stance then what can the Tequila Party do to clarify the situation?   Let's try honesty:  We want the government out of our life, but we want them to control those we don't like.   There, that wasn't so hard!

So, is there anybody we don't like?   Are you asking before or after a few shots of Añejo tequila?


Exhibit 1:  Do these young ladies look like they hate anyone right now?

Exhibit 2:  Do you believe this guy is pissed about the last major vote in the Senate right now?

I think our role in reducing Big Brother in our life is clear.   Leave me and my tequila alone!   Dammit.   Don't make me get up off the floor and come over there ...